Last night was 21st May and apparently full moon. My body was all sore from walking 3 miles and a million sit up. So while I was browsing through instagram and found this photo that states that there is a wiccan spell that can be cast today. Imagine my relief. All I need to do is to sacrifice a firstborn child of my enemy and all of my flab will be gone!!!
Immediately I started rummaging through the ever so trusted Wikipedia and other Pro-Wiccan website.” By tomorrow morning, I shall have the body of Kendall Jenner”, I said to myself. I should have aimed for Kate Moss, but even magic has its limitations, right?
So after much searching, I found a weight loss spell that is favored by many fellow Wiccans. So, I decided to give that a go.
So in that spell, they were saying that weight is like a pile of bricks. Imagine you have a lot of bricks in the backyard. Can you move all of them at the same time? No, you have to pick each one up and throw them away. Your weight is like those bricks. You need to lose them pound by pound.
As you can probably imagine….. There goes my dream of size zero body within a night.
But, one pound per night is not bad, right? So I decided to give the spell another chance.
Preparation: According to the Wiccans, you have to fast a day before casting a spell. Well, I had biriyani for lunch. But what Wiccans don’t know, won’t probably hurt them. And I’m sure they never even had biriyani in their entire life. Biriyani is love.
Things you will need:
- A roll of Toilet Paper ( not kidding)
- A pomegranate or lime (and you need to offer that to whoever deity you are praying too)
- Usual ritual tools ( I don’t know what they meant, blood of my enemy perhaps)
So for casting the spell, you have to go to a place alone from where you can see the moon.
I mean, really? Do you know how many mosquitoes are out there? I want to sacrifice my fats, not my blood. Duh!!
When you’re at the point of ritual in which you’re ready to cast, or when you’re ready to begin the spell, follow these steps:
Cleanse and consecrate the roll of toilet paper.
WHY???? Is that a dirty roll?
Relax and put your focus in the moment. Take a few deep breaths and then get into a rhythmic.
I almost fell asleep.
Invoke the Goddess Venus. If you like, you can use the ancient Orphic Hymns.
Who is this flabby woman? Why is she so fat?
Tell Venus of your need to lose weight and ask for her assistance.
Hello Venus….. awkward silence. Do you want Biriyani?
Meditate and visualize yourself at your goal weight.
I’m picturing a selfie with my cat.
Hold the toilet paper and charge it with your intent to lose weight. Ask for Venus’ blessings upon it .
So, Venus…my lady, will you bless this toilet paper for me? Pretty please?
Make an offering to Venus and thank Her.
I already offered her Biriyani, didn’t I? Well, do you need some skincare advice? Perhaps a modelling mask? You could use some.
Congratulations—your toilet paper roll is now charged with your purpose and ready for you to use.
After all this arduous tasks, you need to hide that toilet paper like your binge supplies in your room.
Take one square of toilet paper and write on it “one pound”. Visualize yourself thinner like you did in your original meditation.
What pen should I use? .1 drafting pen perhaps? Or my gel liner?
Flush the toilet paper to rid yourself of that pound you don’t want. As the single square gets sucked down the drain, imagine your fat – one ‘brick’ at a time – leaving you. Then focus for the next few days on losing that pound.
I didn’t know our buildings plumbing has the magical capacity to drown my fat. Well, you learn something new everyday.
I haven’t lost a milligram of those fats yet, so I declare Venus a “Destiny” marka deity who hasn’t delivered a bit of her promise. From today, all my offerings will go to Anamadim: The resident goddess of starved models. In the meantime, I am going to do another thousand push-up now.